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I figure I’ll have no problems paring back my consumption. The first thing Jeff does is to reduce my workouts. I send off an application to join their program. The changes to my diet are tougher. But there’ll be no cardio in my program. Bodybuilding coach Jeff Alberts prescribed an upper-body program to be done over two non-consecutive days per week. Oh, and I’ll try not to make myself a laughing stock in the process. Known as “The Godfather”, he’s held two pro cards, claimed 16 class titles and in 2014 won the prestigious IFPA Pro International. Just as I’m getting on track, Jeff drops my daily intake to 8950kJ, trimming back the carbs and fats. I haven’t been that light since I was 22. Bartlett’s Bodybuilding Workout. I give myself one mofo of a goal: in a year’s time I will strip down, step out on stage and show the world what I’m made of. At 48, Jeff Alberts has been competing in bodybuilding for 26 years. “And in first place, Nigel Bartlett.” The crowd erupts with applause and cheers. Reproductive health and immune function can also suffer.” Fortunately, the pointy end of contest prep doesn’t last for long. “Man, you are totally shredded,” says Jeff repeatedly. They span my chest and thread their way down my stomach. https://3dmusclejourney.com/consistent-peaking-part-1/, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLjq6Zn86w4. He wants me to train less, not more. My body’s taken on the look of a topographic map, with shadows and contours in places that had previously appeared flat and featureless. I wait to hear my name but it doesn’t come, not even when he gets to second place. I stoop as a woman no more than half my age places a gold medal around my neck. I’m anticipating three-hour weights sessions and being constantly harangued to “make friends with pain”. I’m wary, though. But I don’t want to kill myself in the process. Yes, I want to build a killer body. I narrow down my lunchtime food options near my workplace and stick to them rigidly: noodle soup with chicken, chilli and vegetables; salad with grilled chicken or salmon; grilled steak and vegies; a wrap with grilled lamb and salad. “Before I went grey? He was right. I posted on Facebook only occasionally, but even so, someone I’d known for years reacted with a vomit emoji, another told me I looked grotesque and another commented, “I feel very conflicted about this.” My advice: set up a separate Instagram account so only those who want to follow your progress see your pics. “So, I did pretty well for four days last week, but I stuffed up on the other three days,” I say. Even he sounds in awe of what I look like. My shoulders are more bulbous, and parallel grooves appear on my triceps, like furrows in recently ploughed fields. I’m constantly hungry, which is cruelling my sleep. That day can’t come soon enough. WORKOUT ONE. He tightens up my daily macros, telling me to stick to 80g of fats and 200g of carbs. “We need you sleeping and functioning well as soon as possible,” he tells me. Finally, the big day arrives. How wrong I am. I’m sporting my bright blue posing trunks and I’m pumping up backstage at a huge entertainment venue in Bankstown in southwest Sydney. He adds that I won’t actually be looking to build more muscle. Jeff once told me to enjoy each step of the process and not to worry about what might happen on the day. My head spins. He sets up a series of 5.30am posing sessions in which – watching me via Skype – he tweaks the angle of an arm or the tilt of my hips. I started working out in July, and I was weighing 100kgs then. Pick a show and submit your registration information. “The chef doesn’t care that you’re training for a bodybuilding contest – he’ll throw in as much oil or butter as he wants,” he explains. Jeff gives me a traditional upper body/ lower body split and tells me I’ll no longer be training to failure. The key points: leave 1-3 reps in the tank on every set; rest as needed between sets; use perfect form. Rather, the goal will be to lose body fat, because bodybuilders need to be ultra-lean. I’ve not come across any of the puffed-up pride I’d expected to find in a sport whose image is that of swollen men with swollen egos. Jeff reckons my contest weight should be 68kg. In order to get the card, a bodybuilder has to win a regional contest weight class. Instead, Jeff is relaxed and affable when he lays out our game plan via Skype. It’s a massive ego boost to watch those abs and muscles pop in your super-lean state, but Alberts says it’s vital to up the kilojoules and get back to a normal weight pretty quickly after competing. Nigel Bartlett is a freelance writer and editor who has worked for many of the best-known publications in Australia. I feel a bit paunchy, a bit man-booby. I know I have a Herculean task ahead of me, though, and I’m wondering how I’ll do it. I’ll look like an emaciated whippet. At home my partner leaves all the cooking to me, fed up with me barking, “How much oil are you using?” or obsessively weighing each potato. I realise this is what it must be like for an actor to get into costume before assuming his role: when I put those trunks on, I become a different person. All around me are guys in a similar state of over-tanned near-nakedness. I’m 175cm tall and have dropped a couple of kilos in the past few weeks and now weigh 78kg. He stops in his tracks. Yesterday, as I stood wearing nothing but a sock over my junk and the lovely Sabrina waved her spray gun back and forth across my chest and abdomen, I found myself wondering, “What the fuck are you playing at, Nigel? Maybe he’s trying to put me at ease. Each week I’ll need to send him a 10-15-minute video check-in from my home in Sydney, and he’ll reply by video from his home in California a day later. 12 TO 8 MONTHS OUT You need to learn to weigh your food, how to count your macronutrients, and how to … Jeff leaves me to choose what to eat, but I have to hit the daily macros he sets me. My video check-ins soon take on a sheepish tone. I leave each training session feeling I’ve had a solid workout, but not so toasted I can barely walk for three days. “Don’t feel you’re not working hard enough if you’re not working to failure.”. More importantly, I don’t want to be that skinny-fat guy on stage who looks like he started his contest prep last week. And Jeff advises me to keep restaurant meals to a minimum. I’ve fired up of late and have been exercising up to six times a week, combining weight-lifting with cardio sessions. The most astounding development is when veins spring up all over my body. This is going to be intense, but at this point you should … “Sorry,” I mumble, embarrassed at being sprung. These are the striations I’ve heard about but have never seen in the mirror. But how much weight, exactly, will I have to lose? Have you ever thought about being a bodybuilder? I often wake at 4.30 and find it impossible to nod off again. Now it’s me who becomes the drill sergeant, setting myself a highly regimented food plan: I have the same breakfast each day, the same number of coffees or teas, the same protein-based snacks. Nutrition is one of the biggest and most important facets of … A 54-year-old man who should be spending the weekend in his backyard cooking up a barbecue”. “That becomes harder as you get older, and with all the walking you do, your daily activity levels are enough.”. Eating Right Calorie load the right way. Or before I went bald?” I’ve been a gym-goer for years, but even so, everything’s slowly heading south. They’re bright blue and extremely shiny. 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